This Doesn’t Feel Holy - But Maybe It Is

It’s been a while, but the newborn phase brings a lot of self-reflection—so here I am: sleep-deprived, hormones out of whack, constantly hungry, and torn between the equal urges to deep-clean the house or sleep for 17 hours straight.

Motherhood is really hard. To quote the film Away We Go, “You have to be better than you ever thought you could be.” And boy, does that feel incredibly true. Isn’t it funny how a quote like that hits you after you’ve lost your temper with your toddler? Or snapped at your husband for something that wasn’t even his fault? All because you’re overwhelmed by your circumstances in ways you never imagined.

It’s hard to be grateful when the list of things you wish would change feels longer than the list of things that already have.

Life doesn’t feel sweet when you can’t read your firstborn a book because your two-week-old wants to nurse—again—and your older child has to grow up a little faster than you’d like.

I don’t want to savor the moment where the pizza I ordered (because making dinner felt like a death sentence) was rejected and thrown on the floor.

Everyone else seems to be handling this better than me.

What’s wrong with me?

Why can’t I be like them, Lord?

Why can’t You give me what I think I should have?

…Why do I believe that something different from what God has decided for me would be better than what He’s given?

This isn’t a blog post tied up with a tidy bow. This is a jumbled, I-just-bought-the-wrapping-paper mess of thoughts.

But I want to choose gratitude over questions.

Joy over fear.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” — Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It might sound cliché, but knowing the Creator sees me—mopping bathwater off the bathroom floor, wiping my child’s nose again, soothing my raw nipples from nursing—and that He’s watching with a purpose… that’s pretty amazing. He sees me, because He has a purpose for me.

Nothing is wasted when it’s done to please the Lord.